


Change

by KorrinBelle



Series: Domesticia [19]
Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Family Bath Time, Family Bonding, Fear of Death, Important Talks, M/M, Parent-Child Relationship, Parental Fear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 16:28:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6863038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KorrinBelle/pseuds/KorrinBelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Becoming a parent changes everything. It shifts your priorities and makes you afraid of things you never thought you'd be afraid of, yet you can't hold yourself or others back just because of fear.<br/>Sometimes it takes a while to get yourself back to feeling, and living, normally. Sometimes you feel guilty for desiring that return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Change

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is late again. I had a lot of trouble with this chapter, mostly that it just kept going, and going, and I agonized over the ending. I still don't really like it much, but it's workable.
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and reviewing, but please no comments if you think it's weird they're all bathing together. Nudity isn't sexual unless you bring sexuality in to it.

            A deep ache had seated itself in Ryuuji’s limbs over a long week of working through the Okinawan heat, but he hurried home in spite of it. He was looking forward to a long bath and some of Rin’s cooking. The food provided during away missions was always a little bland, prepared too fast on too small a budget for too many people.

            It was early evening when he entered the apartment. It was unusually quiet, but the smell of food greeted him at the door and led him eagerly to the kitchen, where he stopped short in the door way.

            Lily was sitting in her high chair with a small assortment of finger food splayed across the tray haphazardly. She grumbled quietly to herself, looking especially frustrated, her tiny brows drawn together in an impressive scowl as she struggled to reach over the side of the chair.

            Her sippy cup lay on the floor well out of her reach.

            “Do you need help, Sweetheart?” Ryuuji asked her as he scooped it up off the ground and held it out to her. “What do we say?”

            “Thank youuuu.”

            “Good girl.” He handed her the cup and ruffled her hair, kissing her quickly on the head before stepping around her to check on Rin.

            Normally Rin would have retrieved the cup the second it hit the ground. Sometimes, his heightened senses even allowed him to go from cooking or cleaning to catching the cup before it had fallen half way to the floor. The fact that it had been sitting on the floor, discarded and ignored, was disconcerting.

            Ryuuji stepped up to Rin’s side and found him frying an omelette on autopilot. He was staring blankly at the wall, his eyelids at half-mast as he went through the motions of cooking without thought, as if his body had simply memorized the necessary muscle impulses. He almost looked like he was sleeping with his eyes open, except for only one other sign of life. He was humming under his breath. It was something Ryuuji recognized but it took him a moment to place; the theme song to one of the children shows that Lily liked.

            “Rin?”

            “Mmm?”

            Rin looked up at him slowly, his gaze coming in to focus, and then blinked, instantly alert as if Ryuuji’s presence had flipped some internal switch.

            “Oh! Welcome home,” he said, smiling. “I got your text. I assume you’re hungry.”

            He plated the omelette and put it on the table, before taking a seat and waiting patiently, watching Ryuuji with expectant eyes. Ryuuji sat and started to eat. This was part of their ritual. He wasn’t really home unless he’d eaten some of Rin’s cooking.

            “How was the mission?” Rin asked.

            “Fine,” Ryuuji answered between bites.

            “Anything interesting happen?”

            “Not really. We were mainly just renegotiating contracts with all the island’s lion dogs, and everything went off without issue. It was more about having the necessary man power to get the whole island done quickly than anything else.”

            He went back to eating, but the way Rin was watching him was almost unsettling. There was something manic in his attention. Ryuuji paused mid-bite.

            “…Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?”

            “Not really,” Rin said with a sigh, unintentionally parroting back Ryuuji’s answer.

            “No?”

            Rin shrugged.

            “Did Shiemi come over?”

            “Nah, she was busy with the shop and work.”

            “Did you go anywhere? Take Lily to the park?”

            “The weather wasn’t any good.”

            “…Did you go out at all?”

            “I went grocery shopping."

            Ryuuji eyed him carefully.

            “Have you spoken to any other adults this week at all?”

            “The clerk at the grocery store… Does that count? I mean, she did look kinda’ young…”

            “Rin…?”

            “What?”

            Ryuuji paused a moment, gathering his thoughts. He glanced at Lily who was quietly content, sitting in her high chair as she played with a bit of mashed banana, trying to eat it with uncoordinated little hands.

            “You remember how when we first spoke about becoming parents we both agreed you’d eventually go back to work?”

            “Well, yeah, but… When Lily’s older, right?”

            “It could be now,” Ryuuji offered, trying to sound positive, reaching across the table to take Rin’s hand as the other boy tried to withdraw.

            Rin’s eyes darted between their daughter and Ryuuji’s grip, his lip trembling.

            “I-I can’t,” he said, “She needs me.”

            “Of course she does,” Ryuuji said, rubbing his thumb over Rin’s knuckles, “But not all the time. Not just you. There’s me, and Shiemi-”

            “But…”

            “It doesn’t have to be fulltime,” Ryuuji said softly, “You could simply go back on-call.”

            “Yeah… But…”

            “We can always leave her with her grandmother if we have to. You know that.”

            “But… But what if,” Rin closed his eyes, biting his lip before continuing, his voice barely a whisper, “What if I die?”

            Ryuuji actually snorted and received a very dark glare from Rin in return.

            “What the h- _heck_ is so funny?” Rin asked, his voice hard, but most of the effect had been lost when he curbed his language—it still sounded so unnatural coming from him—and Ryuuji had to suppress laughter before he could continue seriously.

            “Rin, what if _I_ die? In fact, given your unnatural healing ability, my death is much more likely. Maybe we should switch. You go back to work and I’ll be the stay at home dad.”

            “Very funny,” Rin said, his words clipped.

            “I’m being serious,” Ryuuji said, “Well, not about me staying home, but about you working. You’re bored. I know you won’t admit it, but I can tell, and going back to work doesn’t make you a bad father.”

            “I know,” Rin said as he raked his fingers through his hair. “I know, I just…”

            “Daddy?”

            They turned to Lily who was watching them intently with her hand in her mouth.

            “What is it, Pumpkin?” Rin asked.

            “What’s ‘die’?”

            Rin whimpered, his knuckles white as he gripped the table.

            “That,” Ryuuji said standing quickly, “Is a loaded question.”

            “Why?”

            He turned to Rin, completely ignoring their daughter’s question. “Why don’t you go get in the bath. I’ll clean up here and Lily and I will come join you.”

            Rin nodded weakly as he stood, leaving the kitchen without a word.

            “Daaaaaad.”

            “Yes?” Ryuuji asked sweetly.

            “Why?”

            “Why what?”

            Lily opened her mouth and took a deep breath to answer, but stopped, pursing her lips and pinching her brow as she realized she’d already forgotten the question. Ryuuji tried not to laugh and then spent the next few minutes fielding questions from his daughter as he washed the dishes.

            “Ready for bath time?” he asked when he had finished and started to unbuckle the high chair seat.

            “No, thank you!”

            She tried to slip through his arms the second the tray was out of the way and the harness was undone, but she only made it a few steps before he caught her and scooped her up under his arm, eliciting a squeal.

            “Can’t have you going to bed like a dirty little dust bunny,” he said as she flailed, kicking her feet in a futile effort to free herself as Ryuuji carried her to the bathroom.

            Steam wafted out as Ryuuji opened the door, and he quickly undressed them both, placing the dirty clothes in to the nearby hamper. When he opened the door to the actual bathing area Lily scurried inside and ran right up to the edge of the tub before trying to climb in.

            “Gotta’ get clean first, Peanut,” Rin said, poking her in the forehead, “You know the rules.”

            She gave him a fierce set of puppy dog eyes before going back to the wash basin so Ryuuji could scrub her down from head to toe, but she was giggling by the end of it as Ryuuji lifted her in to the tub.

            Rin watched her with a soft smile as she began to splash about on the opposite side of the tub, playing with a small plastic dolphin. He grabbed a plastic dinosaur from her box of bath toys and joined her.

            Ryuuji took his time, scrubbing away what felt like a week’s worth of dirt and sweat. The hotel had showers, obviously, but there was nothing quite like the comfort of a shower in your own home, followed by a long, hot soak.

            When he was thoroughly clean he sat on the sidelines, waiting—there wasn’t enough room in the tub for three people. He eventually gave Lily the five minute bed time warning, letting her get her whining out of the way, before lifting her out of the tub and drying her off. He patted himself down too, not drying off completely, but just enough that he could get Lily in to her pajamas and put her to bed without trailing water throughout their apartment.

            When he returned Rin was leaning back in the tub, his body completely submerged with only his head and the tip of his tail lolling over the edge.

            Rin shifted in the tub, leaning forward so Ryuuji could sit behind him, and then cuddled up against his chest, letting his head rest against his shoulder and then they just sat like that, comfortable in the omnipresent silence of the steam filled bathroom, the occasional drip of condensation punctuating the absence of other sound.

            A quiet ripple of water echoed throughout the room as Rin shifted, turning his face in towards Ryuuji’s neck.

            “Do you think I should?” he asked softly.

            “Hmmm?”

            “Go back to work?”

            “I think it would suit you,” Ryuuji said.

            “…Do you think I’m selfish?”

            “Why would I think that?”

            “What you said earlier…You were right. You’re in more danger working than I’d ever be. But I wanted to stay home with Lily…”

            Ryuuji wrapped his arms around Rin’s waist and tucked the other boy’s head under his chin, holding him close.

            “You know it’s not that simple. Why are you second guessing this now? We discussed this thoroughly before we had Lily.”

            Rin shrugged. “I dunno’.”

            “I know you’re protective of Lily. And of me,” Ryuuji said, “But I can take care of myself, and Lily will be fine. Stay at home, or go back to work. I don’t mind either way. I just thought you’d be happier.”

            “Maybe…”

            “You don’t have to make a decision right now,” Ryuuji said, running his fingers through Rin’s damp hair. “It was just a suggestion.”

            The half demon sighed in response, the sound swallowed up by the acoustics of the room and almost going unheard.

            “I don’t like thinking about things like this,” Rin said.

            “Then don’t,” Ryuuji shrugged, jostling Rin’s head from its perch against his shoulder. “You’ll just go with your gut anyways.”

            Rin made a discontented sound in the back of his throat—half hum, half grumble—that was neither agreement nor denial.

            “You’re right though.”

            “About what.”

            “I have been bored. I love spending time with Lily, b-but-!”

            “Of course you do.” Ryuuji cut him off before he could waste time needlessly trying to defend his statement. “I love spending time with her too, but I also love spending time with you. And my friends and parents. And… _some_ of my coworkers…” he added after a slight hesitation, “I love my job, even when I’m just sitting behind a desk. I make a difference. I also like spending time by myself. Everything in moderation, right?”

            “Yeeeeeah,” Rin said softly, “I do kind of miss it. Working with you and the others.”

            “Mmhmm. I’ve been kind of lonely at work,” Ryuuji said with a soft chuckle, his laughter creating ripples in the water.

            “Not that we’d be able to work together when we’ve got Lily to worry about.”

            “True. The organization takes parents in to account when assigning team missions. We’d never be paired together.”

            “Still… it might be nice to get back out in to the field a little.”

            “And if you only sign up for on-call work you don’t have to worry about getting stuck behind a desk.”

            “True,” Rin said with a nod, sounding decidedly more optimistic than he had just a few minutes ago, but then he slumped back against Ryuuji, releasing a groan.

            “What do we tell Lily?”

            “Maybe nothing? She’s used to you not being around 24/7.”

            “We have to tell her something eventually… Don’t we? … About me?”

            “I think,” Ryuuji said carefully, “when that time comes, we’ll know it. For now I think it would just worry her, if she even understood.”

            Rin sunk down in to the water until his head was submerged, blowing bubbles in the water with another long, drawn out sigh. He then just stayed like that, long enough that Ryuuji leaned over him curiously.

            “Rin?”

            He breached the water suddenly, rolling over in Ryuuji’s lap and leaning over him as water streamed off his body.

            “I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he said, bracing his arms on the edge of the tub as he leaned over Ryuuji.

            “Then let’s talk about something else.”

            “Let’s do something other than talk,” Rin said as he leaned in and kissed him softly.

            Ryuuji nodded wordlessly as he cupped Rin’s cheek, tracing his jawline with his thumb. He let his eyes fall shut as he kissed him back, fairly confident that Rin had already made up his mind.


End file.
